Compliment or Fear-spiration?

Today, we'll look at:

1. How some compliments actually create confusion & fear-based responses like people-pleasing & perfectionism, 
2. The tears I shed in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office over this,
3. How we can come back to who we actually are as opposed to who we've been told we are, &
4. Ways we can actually compliment ourselves & others.

Thank you so much for spending time with me & for nourishing yourself today, my love!
I am 100% listener supported & am so grateful for your life & for any contribution you feel called to make to this heart-centered project of mine.

XoXo
Lauren

Transcript

Lauren (00:00.746)
Hello, my loves, and welcome back to Native Growth, the place where we audit our everyday habits, beliefs, and energies so we can better understand ourselves and intentionally create a life of love, peace, and joy one day at a time. I'm Lauren, and I'm so grateful you're here with me today. Today's episode is called Compliment or Fear Spiration. And it's...

going to highlight a couple of things, but firstly and most importantly, that some compliments that we receive throughout our lifetime are actually not compliments at all. And they actually create confusion and a number of fear -based responses throughout our lifetime as we grow up. Some of those fear -based responses maybe look like people pleasing perfectionism. They have other ways that they show up in our lives, but...

I would say that the majority of the so -called compliments that we receive are ones that we receive when we are much younger in life. So we'll talk about what that looks like. And then I'll share a little bit about my story as well. And then towards the end, we'll kind of wrap up. I'll kind of share some of my wisdom that I've uncovered, not only from having this experience in myself and my own journey, but some of the...

clients that I've worked with and observations that I've seen in other, you know, of my friends and family. So some of the wisdoms that will help you to come back to who you actually are and to find that centered place within yourself of, you know, knowing who you really are outside of what you've been told that you are. And then for the people who maybe have been on the giving end of some of these compliments, I'll share some ways that we can better compliment people.

and make sure that we're doing that more effectively in a way that can be received by the person no matter what age they are or what they're doing. All right, so I want to start again just by noting that a lot of this really happens and develops in childhood, especially before I would say your teenage years, but even a lot of this happens before your pre -teen years when...

Lauren (02:21.866)
You know, the brain in a younger child is still very much evolving. And when we're very young, you know, I would say under the age of eight or nine is, you know, when we're doing the most exploratory work about ourselves, we're still figuring out who we really are, what our strengths and weaknesses are.

how we really fit within our family and our friend groups and our communities. We're still very much open. Our heart is very open. Our energy is very open and we're very vulnerable and impressionable. And again, especially when we're much younger, we're already born with these very kind of people pleasing tendencies. And we want to continue to do the things and embody the things that we get the most positive recognition for, right? So this is where some of these...

you know, not so great compliments come in is like, when you're told, like I was told a lot, I even got told this a lot in my preteen and teenage years, especially at school, I got told this a lot, that I'm an overachiever, that I'm a hard worker, that I'm persistent, that I'm perfectionist. And again, when you're a kid and you're very like open and impressionable and you're trying to...

do the things that get you the most positive recognition, you're like, wow, that makes me feel really good. It makes me feel really good to be recognized for doing great things and for working really hard. And that's within our human nature, right, is to serve others. We naturally want to care and tend for others. We naturally want to be a part of a community. And so we also naturally want to be validated. We want to know that we are helpful.

that we are doing a good job at everything we do, that we're making an impact, that we can contribute to our loved ones' lives and to our communities, and that we can add a sense of maybe ease and joy to someone else's life. You know, as a whole, we want to know that we're serving a greater purpose. But when we get told that we are overachieving,

Lauren (04:43.69)
that we are hard workers, that we are persistent or perfectionist, or any other term, I guess, that maybe is coming to your mind right now that's, you know, something very similar. We non -consciously learn that we need to carry that within us, that we need to embody those values and that we need to be high performing all the time in order to be

worthy of any kind of recognition, but especially if the positive recognition, right? Like we non -consciously learn, well, if I want to know that I'm doing good, if I want to know that I'm being contributing, then I have to continue being an overachiever all the time. I have to continue people pleasing all the time. I have to continue being perfectionist all the time. Right? So it gets really heavy as we get older and we start to take on more responsibility for ourselves.

and for our lives and for many other aspects of living that we didn't have when we were younger, especially in today's world where we no longer live in tribal communities. We live in a very individualistic way. So it's a lot for us to carry that heavy feeling that we need to be overachieving and high performing in everything that we do all the time.

And I would also say that it tends to get especially heavy as we get older and evolve, right? We start to evolve mentally, emotionally in ways where we're starting to try to balance, you know, then we're, then we find that we're trying to balance that, okay, well, I can still be overachieving. I can still be high performing and.

people pleasing, right? Like I can still contribute to other people's lives, but also my own, you know, inner natural evolution is kind of telling me something else, right? Like over time as we evolve, we start to be like, well, those things that I used to do, you know, the ways that maybe I used to serve other people, like they don't really bring me the same kind of joy anymore. That doesn't really make me happy anymore. Or the...

Lauren (07:10.762)
Maybe those things just aren't as fulfilling anymore, or you're just plain old like not caring about them as much anymore, because as we evolve and take on more responsibility, we start to realize, either mentally, emotionally, or maybe physically, physiologically, that we can't realistically give a fuck about every single thing on the face of the earth all the time, or...

like our entire system would just overload. And I think that's what you call having a stroke or a cardiac event. Like that's what makes people, that's the stuff of nightmares right there. So if this is you and you're like, yeah, this is something like I've been told my whole life and you find that you're struggling with it.

You know, on one hand you want to be a good person. You want to be a successful human. You still want to be seen as, as, you know, someone that has, uh, loving and compassion and kindness. And on the other hand, you're like, yeah, but I can't give a fuck about everything, you know? So if I, you know, prioritize one thing over another, is that going to make me a bad friend? A bad sister, a bad wife, right? If I.

If I prioritize one thing over another, is it going to make me a bad employee? Am I never going to be able to, you know, climb the ladder the way that I want to or achieve what I want to be able to? Right. So really, you know, we have this very clear struggle between forces that keep us in an energetic state of constriction with forces that naturally...

come with our evolution and that we want to expand, right? So we're struggling between fear and joy, we're struggling between constriction and expansion. And in the process, I know like what it amounted for me, and this is true for almost all of...

Lauren (09:24.682)
the layers of this that I've uncovered about myself over time is that it winds up where I have these pinnacle moments where I go, oh, I'm putting too much pressure on myself right now. So I think it's really important that we hear these statements, these compliments, and...

We recognize that they are actually aimed at someone's actions or their capabilities, not who they are inherently. Right. And, and I actually hear this a lot, especially when it comes to people with their career is like the common phrases, you know, I am insert your career here. Right. Like I am a nurse, I am a doctor, I'm a dentist. I am.

an entrepreneur, I am, you know, whatever. And then we have this like, okay, well then I have to be that all the time, right? And it was like, okay, well, I am an overachiever, I am a hard worker, I am persistent, right? So it's kind of the same idea that then as we hear these things and we maybe aren't necessarily aware,

that the complements were meant to complement our actions and our capabilities, not who we are inherently. But if we don't know that, then non -consciously we walk around identifying with our abilities and our capabilities and have this belief that we have to, again, continue to be that way, that we have to continue to produce something in order to be worthy of.

of whatever is on the receiving end of that, whether it's love in a relationship, whether it's recognition, whether it's that promotion at work, whatever it is. So what had made me kind of realize that this was happening again more recently, and for those of you who have been listening to the last couple of episodes of the podcast or following me on

Lauren (11:46.474)
Any of my social medias, you'll know that I've talked quite a bit over the last, I'd say three or four weeks about a lot of personal and collective purging that's going on. There's been a lot of shifts, a lot of perspective shifts, a lot of just a lot of like old outdated programs and beliefs that people have been shedding and...

realizing they're no longer of service to their present or their future and they're getting rid of them and they're transmuting them. And like, I've been no different. I've definitely been having one heck of a process, right? So like, over the last couple of weeks, I'm, you know, doing a lot of reflective integrative work with those things. So I'm already feeling kind of like touchy and sensitive. And then my husband and I go to the chiropractor. And while we're...

While we're in the like waiting room at the chiropractor's office, we start talking about like my business and podcasts and more specifically, we start talking about marketing and how I've been going about marketing my business and my offerings on my podcast. And primarily I would say, especially since I quit my corporate job back in September, my primary channel for marketing has been through social media, social media marketing. And.

So we're talking about this and my husband says, I just don't think social media is the way you're gonna grow. I think you need to get out to the people. And at the time, I'm like, already been having this process, this, you know, and I'm feeling sensitive. And so like I went from zero to overwhelmed in about half a second because...

I'm thinking in my brain, like, I've been doing it this way for the last several months. So like, if I shift, how the fuck am I going to do that? Even though I know you're right. And, and, um, I would totally agree with you, but it's like, how is that going to happen? It felt so overwhelming to me in that moment. And so I started, uh, I just kind of got emotional and I had a couple of tears and I was like, I can't even imagine what that would look like for me right now.

Lauren (14:09.578)
I was like, now I'm having the metacognition, like I'm recognizing that I'm getting way too emotional about this thing and I'm just taking some deep breaths. And Larry looked at me and he like held my face and wiped the tear off my cheek. And he was like, I know, I hear you laugh. He was like, it's going to be okay. We'll just eat this elephant one bite at a time. And like I said, you know, so then it was this moment.

where I like, I knew he was right. I've always preferred, I've always preferred meeting people in person or even like Zoom meetings, like video things. I've always preferred that more personal connection to people. I always feel like I've been way better at verbal conversation with people than I am about portraying an idea or a thought or.

Um, who I am and what I do, I'm so much better at doing that in verbal connections with people than I am about, you know, sitting there and trying to think of like just the right way to like frame this phrase that I'm going to make the graphic for and then just the right way that I got to put all the words and the way it's got to be all.

I don't know, position just right, and it's got to have like all the emojis just right and all that stuff, like to keep people wanting to read it, like it's not bad. And I definitely have written some posts from a place of pure joy, but I find more often than not that it's actually a thing that causes me a lot of stress because it just doesn't bring me joy and because I feel like I have to do it somebody else's way. And so...

this moment where I'm like, you know, wow that really that really triggered something within me that like I shed a tear in the waiting room of the car parker's office about this then I then I you know, then I had to do some more reflection after that and be like, wow, why why did I feel like that was so triggering for me? Like why did that feel so overwhelming even though I know it's the truth? And I

Lauren (16:28.362)
And I realized that what had happened is I hit a pain point of a fear that had been living like this tiny fear, like one that did not take up a lot of space in my system, but one that obviously still existed. And the fear is that doing things my way will never be the successful way.

And I have to be successful because I can't fail or disappoint anyone. Right? And so then I was like, wow, okay, like then if that's the pain point, that's the fear, then like, where did that fear come from? Right? So then I'm like, oh, because I've been told throughout my life over and over again that I'm an overachiever, that I'm a hard worker, that I'm perfectionist and persistent and that I can put it, I can do anything I put my mind to.

Right? So all at once, it's like all of these things and I'm like, whoa, okay. Like I didn't, I didn't realize that that little fear was still living in there. That that little idea that I needed to embody, you know, this little belief or whatever, like had no idea that that was still floating around in there until I hit that pain point. And then it was like, boom, okay, there it is. And then I, and then I kind of.

sat with that for like another day or so and still, you know, me being a very intuitive empath, I'm also still feeling a lot of the feelings and experiences going on in the collective energy and kind of what's happening for a lot of people. And I'm like, wow, there's a lot of people who are feeling a lot of fear and anxiousness and worry right now. Like it's not just me. And I think, you know, again, it's that whole idea that

There's just a lot like kind of getting shaken up right now. And so, um, so then I kind of was like, all right, well, surely I'm not the only one who's been told that and like, what's, what's the inverse, right? So the inverse then naturally is to be like, well, you know, actually it's totally safe for me to just do things.

Lauren (18:43.946)
my way because my way brings me joy and I know that that each one of us as individuals and as a collective human race were coded for joy. We're here to experience joy. We're supposed to experience joy. And so it's ridiculous of me to think that doing things my way, which is the joyful way will not lead to success.

Um, and, and of course that uncovers whole conversations about what it means to be successful and what success means to you. But it also had me thinking like, you know, when we were growing up, we would see things in a lot of movies and on TV that's all that, you know, would be like, follow your heart, you know, but, but I think especially, you know, for families like mine, where we grew up very working class, very blue collar, it was like.

You saw those things and you thought, well, okay, I can probably like find a way to squeeze that into my romantic life. Like I should be able to follow my heart when it comes to the person that I'm going to decide to marry. But, but it to apply it to anything else, to your finances, to your career, to your, um, you know, almost anything else, it just didn't seem like it was going to be realistic. So it was an advice that you actually took.

follow your heart. Like it was one of those things growing up where you were like, yeah, right, follow your heart. Like that's going to get you really far. But, but truthfully that's, that's what we, we should do. Again, we should always be following our heart and following our joy because we know that, hi, because we know that creator coded our joys and our desires.

within us because they are supposed to be our compass for living a joyful and fulfilling life. We're supposed to experience these things. We're supposed to allow ourselves to have our joys and our desires. And we're not coded for a life that's like constant struggle, constant battle, constantly having to

Lauren (21:11.018)
force our way through to things either in the process of achieving something or just in in having something at all. It shouldn't feel like it's forced or hard or struggle. Now when it comes to the things that you enjoy doing and enjoy producing, if you want to go be you know a hard worker and an overachiever on those things, absolutely.

There's absolutely a huge value to...

Lauren (21:52.33)
um, having a strategy and an energy that you welcome at the same time when you are working on creating or manifesting something in your life that you're not just pushing, pushing, pushing, and then not like receiving extra help when it comes to you. But at the same time, you're not just.

You know, sitting out here, like saying your prayers, writing in your journal and expecting poof, it's going to come out of nowhere. Like you need both. You need the strategy and the energy you do need to put some work in. And you do also need to be willing to receive, you know, any kind of, uh, like help or guidance that comes your way when it comes to receiving that thing or having that thing, whatever it is.

But by no means is anyone ever under any obligation to overextend themselves, to exhaust themselves, to be constantly producing something or working on something all the time. And no one is ever under any obligation to live in a way that doesn't make sense to them. You are under no obligation.

to live in a way that does not make sense to you at all ever. It's your life, it's not a community project. And as my husband likes to remind me, you cannot fail. Failure actually doesn't exist. It's an ancestral fear response that we have that for some people takes up way too much space in their root chakra.

and thereby impeding the flow of energy to the rest of the system, which would help them to experience more trust, more love, more joy, more passion, more confidence, right? But you are under no obligation to do any of that. So, so when we...

Lauren (24:11.274)
when either when you're on the receiving end of this or when you're on the giving end of this. The big takeaway here is that we recognize that there's a big difference between appreciating and complimenting someone for who they are versus appreciating and complimenting someone's work, someone's actions, someone's contribution, right? There's a huge difference there and...

So when you've been on the receiving end, it's really important to kind of go back in your mind through your memories and to be like, you know what, that person said that their heart was in the right place. And even if you've said it before, your heart was in the right place. We're never in, I don't believe that, especially when it comes to, you know, statements like this or any kind of compliment or anything like that. Like the intention is always to be uplifting to someone.

Right? The intention is never to hurt someone or to try to bring them down. Um, but it's important that we recognize again, especially when we're talking to younger kids, like under the age of probably, I don't know, 16, realistically, like our brains are still very malleable even through our preteen and teenage years. Right? It's just really important that we have an awareness of this and that we...

Be mindful of how it is that we're complimenting someone versus complimenting the work that they're doing. So maybe if we want to compliment someone's actions, we can be like, oh, good on you to go do that thing. But good on you for cleaning up. Thanks for taking care of that.

or you're so awesome at doing that thing, right? That's way different than, oh, you are so, insert compliment here, right? Something that you want the person to know that they are because it's something that is really part of who they are, it's embedded within them, right? Like you are so thoughtful and intentional, you're so.

Lauren (26:31.302)
You're so generous. You can even say something like, I'm so grateful for you. I really try to use that one like not too often, but often enough. I feel like it's one of those things that when you're really looking for validation as a human and not just validation for the good work that you do, that to me is one of the things that I love hearing the most. I think a lot of other people enjoy hearing it too. I'm so grateful for you.

Right? And it's like so, um, so easy to say. And I think it's a lot like saying, I love you. Sometimes we think that it's assumed that the people around us know that we're grateful for them. We were, you know, we might be implied that we love them, but it never hurts to say it. It never hurts to say it. Um.

You know, you can even maybe more mindfully think about how you're going to connect the two ideas, right? Maybe you want to compliment somebody, but you're also complimenting them specifically for something that they've done, right? So you could say something like, your kindness and generosity is appreciated more than you know.

right, or your blank is appreciated more than you know, right? Feel free to use those as templates. I hope that today's episode has been insightful. I hope that, you know, for any of you listening who have been part of the collective where you're still trying to sort through maybe some of those feelings of like nervousness and anxiousness.

First of all, you know that you're not alone. It's not just you. It's happening to a lot of people, especially to a lot of people who are, you know, a little bit tuned in to their intuition, where their intuition is a little bit higher, where your empathy is a little bit higher, right? Like it's a lot right now, and that's okay. But I think the great news is that it's springtime, you know, so.

Lauren (28:42.314)
the discomfort that we feel from shedding these, you know, old ways of being and old ways of becoming and these old patterns. You know, it's like winter, like winter's dying off and so are those, you know, let it go with the winter and embrace the spring. And really, again, like come back to that place of knowing that you can identify much more.

deeply with your joys and with your desires and with what makes you feel loved and with what makes you feel like you are serving and contributing. Identify with that more than you identify with anything else, but especially with the things that maybe cause you some stress or some anxiousness or some worry. Just keep in mind that fear is, is always a liar.

And love is always the truth. So thanks so much again for tuning in today. Today's episode is brought to you by no one. It's to you by you. I don't have any commercials because I don't really think that you want to hear any and I don't really want to have any. I want to be able to get on and just say the things that I think are important.

And so I've chosen to be 100 % listener supported and all of your donations help me to stay that way. So you can keep that ball rolling by clicking on the link in the show notes. I would also love to hear your stories, your takeaways, your feedback, any of that good stuff by email, or you can send me a direct message on Instagram. If you haven't already, please make sure that you subscribe and share this podcast so that together we can raise the vibration and the consciousness of the universe.

Thank you so much for tuning in today, for taking this little bit of time out for yourself to nourish your heart and your mind. And I hope you all have a great day. I love you.